Juan P writes an Identity Memoir
"Loops #1 - #6" (first draft with teacher's comments)

Note: After writing six "loops"--or short, quick genre pieces about the same topic--Juan copied and pasted all of them into one document. We called this his first draft of his Identity Memoir. To help him revise, we asked Juan to do the following in this draft: (1) Expand something. (2) Delete something. (3) Rearrange things. (4) Change the form of something. (e.g. Change the letter into the opening paragraph.)

[top of page one]


[We asked Juan to write the main topics that he noticed in his first draft, and to star one.]









[Juan crossed off these two parapraphs.]












































wrote this comment.]







[Carol checked #1 & #5 above. Juan wrote "expand" next to #5. Juan also wrote "(S-3)" next to Snap #1]








[Juan wrote "(S-1)" next to the Snap #2.]



[Juan wrote "(S-2)" next to Snap #3.]

Juan Perez                                                                                                    Strand #1

Loop #1
I don't know why but it seems like I don't get along with my brother we're always fighting and I don't like that way he acts towards me, sometimes I feel really uncomftarble because of what he says. Although I fight a lot with him I'm worry about him, I'm scare he will turn out to be bad to be a bad person, I have the feeling more of it like a hope! That won't happen but sometimes it looks like it all ready happen and I didn't notice it. Many times I think I care about him, right now my worry about him is his school when he came to this country he was a really good student but now his notes when down. I don't if is because he was put on a monolingual class or because my parents are putting a lot of pressure on him. Actually I don't know what's going inside his mind, but I do wish I could know, so that I could help him. I know that he doesn't like to speak with me because he is afraid I will tell my mom but he can count on me...
[Juan underlined this sentence and wrote "? ending/end" beside it.]

Focus sentence
My brother acts in some ways that many times I don't understand him...Sometimes I even feel like weren't related I feel very bad about how he speaks about some stuff. When he seems like he doesn't care on what my mother is saying I feel so bad that I wish I wasn't there listening to that. My mother tries to give him reasons on why he has to act in certain ways but it seems like all my mother says goes in through one ear and comes out through the other one. I guess I'm repeating myself so I will stop here.

     Tonight I will write about something that changes me... [Juan drew a line through this sentence.]

Well many things have change in a lot of ways but I think that what change me a lot was moving to the USA. Well, hum, hum...I don't know what to write know, I had so many ideas and know all when away, oh yeah! I think that moving to the USA change my way of thinking and the way I look things. Other thing that change me a lot was when my mother was sick and see my parents work really hard to give us the best things they can and things that they couldn't have when they children.

Focus Sentence
  Coming to the USA change my way of thinking...because now things look a lot different than before, now that were here I see many people going through many struggles. I see how people are teat just because they aren't white. Supposedly "Americans" are white but you know what I don't think there are such things as Americans I think that everyone is an immigrant, either someone from their family comes from another country or they themselves were from in another country... Well I have to say that from me everyone is the same just a person and if they see different although we are all humans we have things that make us a little different such as this thing that we call identity. Our Identity tells our names, background, and talks about our family and stuff that identify us...
[Carol's question to Juan.]
Loop #2
Lina- Mother, nice, caring, tries to give reasons for what she's doing, 38 years old, black hair, brow eyes, about 5' 7", Hispanic, she is angry because Daniel and Juan Carlos just had another fight
Daniel- Kid, 10 years old, very stubborn, very small heigh, thin, brow eyes, black hair,
Juan Carlos- Me!

Place- Bedroom
Time- Late at night

(Lina enters the to the bedroom)(Juan Carlos is in bed secrelly listenning to the conversatiton)
Lina: Go to bed, its late!
Daniel: Why? I'm not sleepy!
Lina: You have to go to bed, because its late and you need to sleep.
Daniel: Why I don't want to go to bed!
Lina: Tomorrow you have school, and you need to rest.
Lina: I told you that you need to sleep!

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[top of page two]

Daniel: And I told you I don't want to!
Lina: You know what, I go through a lot and you won't answer me like that!
Daniel: Uh?
Lina: I have to go to work, so that I can give you and your brother things that I need had when I was a child, I want you to have a better life that the ones that my parents gave me.(Daniel stares at Lina and wonders its eyes around the room, while I'm supposelly sleeping but I'm listening to the whole conversation. Do you how hard is to grow living with 12 brothers and sisters, you how many time you get your one of 13 children, well you get none. Your dad and I tryto help you both you and your brother, we care a lot about you, we go to your school meetings, and you we love you, but it seems like the more we show that we care about you, you just show the opposite.(Daniel keeps staring and starts to mimic Lina). Now we try to understand you but we can all you do to us is give us trouble and troubles. In your school teachers acclaim you don't give propbelms but I don't believ that because your notes went donw this past year. In September you will be starting the Junior High School, Do you Think is going to be the same?
Daniel: No (shakes head from left to right)
Lina: Well your right, is not the same and I don't want you getting low grades because otherwise i'll send you back to Mexico. Do you want that? Come on Speak to me!
Daniel: I don't care as long as I don't see you.
Lina: You kow that is not going to be same here and in Mexico. In here we try to give you everything that we can and in Mexico you won't have the same things. You know that I mExico the school is very different you will have to do a lot of work and if you don't do it you may not pass the year.Right Juan Carlos?
(No asnwer, and everything was in silent)
Daniel: He is sleeping!!
Lina: Well I all ready tell you and if you keep acting the same way you know what could happen to you, so becaurful with what you do and please try not to fight with your brother anymore. Now go to bed and now.
Daniel: Ok, I'll go to bed!
Lina: But first brush your theet!
Daniel: NO!
Lina: What did I told you!
(Daniels exit the room, Lina goes out behin him, like five minutes later he comes back in)
Daniel: Why do I have to do everything she says?
(Daniel goes to bed)

Loop #3

* My bother is very stubborn
* He acts very childish
* He gets pressure form my parents
* His mood change very quickly
* Sometimes he doesn't listent to reasons


* My brother is an aline
* My borther was adopted
* He's pshyco maniac
* He has an robotic heart
* His a war beteran


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[top of page three]

* He never listen to raesons
* He is a very bad person
* He's stuped
* He doesn't have a brain [Juan circled this fourth item on his list of "Errors" and wrote this beside it:]

*He never gets punished

Loop #4
September 21, 2000

Dear Luis,

   Hello! how are you? i haven't seen you in while and you haven't wrote any e-mail since you left to Mexico. I have totell you many things that I'm doing in school.
   You know my brother many times he was to do everything he wants and I fell bad about it my mom tries to talk to him but he doesn't listent. This semester in the new cluster we're xploring ourselfs and I'm doing a lot of thinking about Who I am? What I want? and about my brotehr. Sorry if I bother you but I knew that you will be interested. I did a poem about an indian name and I think I identify a lot with it becasue my decisions never end but I could have choose very busy person because now I'm very busy sometimes I don't have time to do things like watching tv or chating something that you enjoy a lot. Well fro my freewritings my topic is my brother because i think is a theme that I can keep talking about and don't stop and I try to understand him but I can't and during the freewriting I try to explain The way he acts and the things he does in the dialogue I show how he acted one time about going to sleep and in what we call lop # 3 I wrote LIES, TRUES AND ERRORS about him.
     I hope this project turns to show me WHO I am? and helps me understand my brother better. Well I hope you write soon. Have fun and take care of yourself.

Your cousin
Juan (Carlos) Perez

[Carol underlined the phrases above, and wrote this comment to Juan.]

[Click here to see how Juan began to re-write Loop #5 and #6.]

Loop #5
1.If my brother were a mathematics problem it would be...one with a very difficult solution to find.

2.If my brother were a statue, this is how I would describe it... small, gray and very scary.

3.If my brother were a food, it would probably be...sour and salty.

4.If my brother were a color, it would be...red.

5.If my brother were a kind of music, it would be... metal music.

6.If my brother were a science experiment, the science researcher would...get crazy and move to another one.

Loop #6

Snap #1
***It was like 8pm on a weekday. The windos were close and the bulb light was on. The bed had a bronw cover and the TV was next to the bed. On the Tv there was a basesball gaem. Danniel and I were standing on the bed. Daniel has his mouth open like if he was in the middle of a high, angry scream, his seem like if they were going to pod out from its face and its face seem, so red as a tomato, he was beding over try to get something on the bed and it seem that he was reaching towards like trying to stop me. I on the other hand was also reaching to wards the bed for something that was cover under the bronw cover, my face seem so angry and my lips looked like if they were arguin something, my hands were towards the front like trying to cover myself from his tiny hands.

Snap #2

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[top of page four]

**It was an afternoon, about 6pm. My brother had just finish his homework and my mom was about to check it. They were both sitting on a chairs in the table kitchen. My mom had a black binder on her hand and my brother was staring at her with his round bronw eyes. My mom's eyes were reading something in the binder paper she had a very angry expression and her mouth seem so mad that you could say that something really bad had happen in my brothers homework. My brother's face was really red and his mouth seem really sad he was saying something but it din't seem that it was something good. My mother was arguin something what I don't know I just know that she was really mad that it looked like she was being burn.

Snap #3
*This snap happen outside in a park. In the background there is a big green tree and there's alot of leaves down in the floor scared all over the place. There are other trees but a lot smaller than the big one. My brother seems to be mad at something what I don't know he is sitting near a tree all by himself he doesn't seem to be talking to anyone and it seems that he isn't enjoying his day something that its totally strange if you knew him you should think that he is sick but no becaus he has a mad expression on his face what he got mad I don't know?. He has his feet one folded over the other one and his head is looking up the sky his mouth drops down as if it were dying, his eyes had something in it like a very bright light. its botty seem, so tense he was all straigh and he is hand were drop at his sides like two dead leaves.





[bottom of page four]
[the end]




[One of Juan's Humanities teachers, Carol, underlined the "USA..."  phrase and wrote these comments or questions to Juan.]
















[Carol's question to Juan.]


































[Juan began to expand this metaphor with the phrase attached here.]




[Juan underlined this phrase.]















[Carol's last comment.]